


Agatha Heterodyne and The Cataclysm Engine

by Sturzkampf



Series: The Trials of Moloch von Zinzer [2]
Category: Girl Genius
Genre: Gen, The Cog is Dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-22
Updated: 2015-01-22
Packaged: 2018-03-05 08:02:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3112220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sturzkampf/pseuds/Sturzkampf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>This is the story of how Moloch von Zinzer Saved the World. </i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Agatha Heterodyne and The Cataclysm Engine

Wherever there is a disaster, there you will find Agatha, Lady Heterodyne, trying to fix things. A famous cartoon in a Vienna newspaper depicted her following the four horsemen of the Apocalypse in a donkey cart, cleaning up after them with a shovel and a bucket. Vanamonde von Mekkhan had bought the original for her one Christmas and she did her best to hang it in her study in Castle Heterodyne; not the easiest of tasks as the Castle thought it a slight on the Family's honour and hid it at every opportunity. Agatha was engaged in a constant game of hunt the picture and the Castle had made it clear to the staff that it would disapprove most strongly if they offered the Mistress any help.

And of course, where Agatha Heterodyne goes, her staff go too. Krosp, Emperor of Cats and master of strategy and tactics, directs the relief and rescue like a military operation from the clean comfort of the support airship. Agatha herself sets up a hospital and refugee centre at the edge of the damage zone. And in the thick of it are the loyal minions, led by Moloch von Zinzer (whom it should be stressed is quite definitely **not** a minion - he's just helping out until Lady Heterodyne can make a more permanent arrangement, you understand), usually up to his eyeballs in mud, blood, sewage and just about every other substance that normal people avoid coming into contact with if they can possibly avoid it.

Even by Spark standards the disaster that became known as The Cataclysm was particularly terrible. Destruction on a massive scale was not uncommon in Europa, but this was unprecedented. Everything within a two mile radius of Castle Geschwindigkeit had been destroyed. Not just wrecked but melted, incinerated and fused into unrecognisable glassy slag by a vast superheated blast wave of light and sound. Beyond that, the destruction became more recognisable; just standard total devastation. Even if there was nothing left alive or intact, at least it was possible to make a good guess what it had originally been before the massive impact had passed over it. Further out from the epicentre the effects gradually diminished until, after 20 miles, the damage was no worse than a particularly bad winter storm or the Jägers' Annual Regimental Dinner.

At the centre of the Cataclysm there was no-one to save, no livestock to rescue, no property to secure. Around the edge, the settlements were still intact enough for the local community to cope more or less on its own. In the middle it was the worst, where towns, villages, farms and food reserves had been wrecked and destroyed but there remained plentiful survivors, burnt, broken, blinded, maimed and buried beneath rubble who needed immediate help if they were to survive. The imminent onset of a Europan winter had only increased the pressure on the relief effort. Food and shelter needed to be found quickly if these people were not to freeze or starve before the Spring.

Moloch and his crew (I'm sorry, I mean Moloch and the crew of Agatha's minions with whom he was working), mostly old comrades from his time as a prisoner in Castle Heterodyne, had worked long and hard digging out survivors from the wreckage, transporting them to the mobile medical centres, erecting emergency shelters and distributing the food. Now the rebuilding of more permanent houses was well underway, food supplies for the foreseeable future laid in and most importantly a sense of security created. The minions were finally able to relax in the large farm that served as command centre and living quarters and forget the trauma of the last few weeks. Agatha was established in the farmhouse, with much of the ground floor converted into a workshop and laboratory, where she had created all manner of useful machines, from the tiny pocket-watch sized clanks that crawled through collapsed buildings looking for survivors to the enormous twenty five foot ten clank capable of lifting the largest debris. The most intact barn had been converted into a bunkhouse for the minions where tonight everyone was relaxing with the aid of several barrels of the renowned Mechanicsburg ale “Old Sparky Hen” imported specially to mark the end of the rescue effort.

As von Zinzer walked towards the barn to join in the celebrations he was greeted by a loud and boisterous rendition of that old favourite, 'The Spark's Daughter':

_“I once knew a girl with a heart of gold_  
_Two legs of copper and arms of chrome_  
_The prettiest girl I ever knew_  
_I loved each rivet, bolt and screw._ ”

It was one of those songs that was perfect for a room of happy drunks. The range of voices from R-79's low rumble to Fraulein Snaug's enthusiastic and occasionally accurate soprano averaged into melody:

_“Shiny locks of wire hair_  
_Copper plating everywhere_  
_There was no doubt she had to be_  
_The one and only girl for me!_ ” 

As von Zinzer opened the door and stepped over the threshold he was confronted by a familiar, unhealthily pale face grinned at him from over a large foaming stein.

“Moloch – glad you could join us”, shouted Professor Getwin Mittelmind over the noisy chorus. “Not only is the beer free thanks to the generosity of Lady Heterodyne, it is also made of barley and hops! Get yourself a stein and come and join me.”

Talking to Sparks could be a very confusing and disorientating experience, but that was an idea that von Zinzer did understand. He was ready for the stein passed to him from the makeshift bar. He sat down at the table and clinked his glass with Mittelmind.

“Zum Wohl”.

He settled into his chair, took a mouthful of good beer and relaxed, the accumulated tension of the last weeks draining away. It felt as though a tightly wound spring inside him was being slowly relaxed. They drank in companionable silence. Professor Mittelmind is one of the few people of whom it can be truthfully said that he only drinks to be sociable. Beer, or indeed any intoxicating or poisonous beverage, has absolutely no effect on him whatsoever for the simple reason that he happens to be dead. He sees no reason why that should stop him sharing the camaraderie of a drink with his fellows.

“So Moloch, how's it going?” he asked.

“I think we're all just about finished. All the refugees have enough supplies to get them through the winter. Building materials are in place at all the major centres and most of the isolated farms so it will be possible for everyone to have a warm and secure home before it starts to snow. All the roads are open and we've bought in a few spare monsters to patrol and make sure everyone is safe.”

They shared a mental picture of the Heterodyne monsters.

“Well, safe from looters, bandits and pirates. Safer than they would be if there wasn't anyone on patrol. Anyway, what's new here at headquarters? I've been on the road for the last two days.”  
“Not much. Mostly packing up. Oh yes, Lady Heterodyne was very pleased with that box of components that you pulled out of the rubble. The one with the Geschwindigkeit crest on it. You know how she always likes to analyse new tech.”

“Oh, good, just so long as it keeps her amused. We found it in a wrecked cart from the Castle that didn't quite get out of the blast zone in time. Looks like a couple of minions had an idea that something bad was about to happen but they didn't get quite far enough to save themselves. At least a new toy will stop her building another death ray or something. What was in the crate? We didn't have time to have a good look.”

“Didn't you read the label?”

“No, it was in that funny alphabet with the backwards letters.”

“Those were Cyrillic characters. Russian, you know. It really is a beautiful language.” Von Zinzer frowned, his mind unfocused by relaxation and beer.

“How did someone called Cyril end up inventing an alphabet for the Russians. You'd expect them to be called Ivanic characters really wouldn't you?"

Mittelmind gave him a friendly cuff on the back of the head.  
“Shut up and drink your beer.”

“So what was did the label say?”

“Oh, well, it was something called a Cataclysm Engine. The Mistress was just taking the parts out of the box when ... I say, von Zinzer are you feeling ill? You suddenly look very pale.”

With great fortitude von Zinzer resisted the urge to cower beneath the table or run in circles, screaming and shouting. If he could just stay calm and carry on there was still a slim chance that he could reach Agatha before she assembled and activated the device. He knew that it would never occur to her to actually pause and consider the consequences of assembling the Cataclysm Engine and turning it on to see how it worked. He had been around Sparks for way too long. Mittelmind watched him sprint out of the room in puzzlement. The alpha minion really was a fascinating study. With a shrug he reached across and poured the remains of Moloch’s drink into his own glass.

As he ran across the courtyard von Zinzer's rational mind had to fight every inch of the way against the animal instinct that told him to run away from the madgirl assembling a Doomsday device of unparalleled power. He knew their only hope was to stop Agatha pushing the 'on' button. Pulling open the farmhouse door, he screamed in terror as he was met by a wave of heat and blinding light that flooded the room.

Inside the laboratory Agatha, in full mechanics outfit, including goggles, leather gauntlets and toolbelt, stood amid a small forest of brightly glowing glass bulbs on short stalks, each one set at the corner of a small hexagonal or pentagonal plate laid out flat on the floor to form a mosaic. Electricity crackled from each bulb, shorting out onto the plates. Von Zinzer recognised the bulbs as aetheric injectors, simple common low-power energy sources that concentrated the aether as they were swept through it by the Earth's rotation and converted it into electricity, enough to power a clank's cognitive engine or boil a kettle.

Agatha was looking extremely disappointed:

“It said Cataclysm Engine on the label! How on earth am I supposed to produce a Cataclysm with 60 low wattage aetheric injectors? Especially these ones which are so badly out of focus that they just produce light and heat and hardly any electricity at all. And these reflectors;”, she indicated the plates supporting the injectors, “all they do is deflect the heat upwards, just standard parts that fit together to form a platform. There aren't even collectors to make use of the electricity that is produced. There isn't anything Sparky here at all. This is all stuff even a minion could understand -oh, no offence.”

“None taken” said von Zinzer, offended. His heart rate was beginning to slow, but he knew it was still too early to relax. “Look, it seems to me that this is just someone's idea of a little joke. Getting a crate of old parts together and putting a label on it to make people think it was something really dangerous.”

“Oh surely not. Who would pull such a silly practical joke?” Von Zinzer thought of his fellow minions and came up with a list of ten names without really trying. “And anyway, I'm sure this is an authentic Geschwindigkeit sigil. It has the elaborate coat of arms with the winged hedgehog and everything.”

“Well then, perhaps it is just the empty box and someone used it to dump some faulty injectors.”  
“No, no, the inside of the box was partitioned to hold them.”

Von Zinzer chose his next words very carefully.

“You don't think there's any risk do you? I mean, after what happened at Castle Geschwindigkeit?”

“Oh, don't start all that Health and Safety red tape with me again. I'm really fed up with all those silly rules holding back the Advancement of Science. I mean just think of the amount of energy that must have been released to cause the Cataclysm. Unparalleled! If we could harness that, why we could do anything!” The sincerity and enthusiasm in her voice made von Zinzer's knees start to shake.

“You don't think that the, er, melting everything in a two mile radius might be a, well, a bit of an obstacle for using it on a day to day basis?”

“Oh, I'm sure that was just a freak accident. Easily avoidable. It's simple enough to turn off the switch if things start to heat up too much.” She indicated a small lever on the other side of the room. To von Zinzer, it looked an awfully long way to go in an emergency. “Anyway, these things are hardly giving off enough heat to burn down this building, let alone melt rock two miles away.”

Von Zinzer's long experience working with Sparks had already identified the problem.

“So.... they are actually capable of burning down this building then?”

“Well, yes I suppose if you want to be pedantic about it these detuned injectors are in theory capable of setting fire to the floorboards if you left them for long enough, but it’s all perfectly safe. These mounting plates are heat reflectors and they will just reflect heat upwards away from the wood, powered by a little of the electricity from the injectors – not that they are producing much.”

“You're sure that the injectors won't get hot enough to overcome the heat reflection?”

“Oh please, the plates at least are state of the art and working perfectly. You would have to generate a temperature twice the heat of the sun before they would start to break down. Even they aren't right. I mean there are 20 hexagons and 12 pentagons, but only 60 injectors, so not near enough to put one on the corner of each plate anyway.” She took pity on her minion's puzzled look as he tried to do the calculation in his head.

“180”.

Von Zinzer tried again. He was starting to get desperate.

“So basically, this is just a pile of broken injectors and some heat-reflective plating – all standard components. Whatever else it is, it clearly isn't anything to do with the power source that caused the Cataclysm. Tell you what, everyone has had a hard couple of weeks and it would make them all feel really good if you were to come over and just, well, tell them how well they have done and how much you appreciate their efforts. You know, boost morale a bit?”

If Agatha had one good point – or one weakness, depending on how you looked at it – it was that she could always be distracted by the opportunity to help other people, especially her loyal minions. Moloch persisted:

“Look, this is obviously just a jumble of parts that isn't going to create a Cataclysm and it’s been a long few weeks for all of us. Let's switch it all off and you come over and relax with us.”  
Von Zinzer held his breath as Agatha thought, then let out a long sigh of relief as she walked across the lab and pushed the 'off' switch. The deactivated injectors slowly faded and cooled.  
“I really should keep working. Just think of the benefits if I can harness all that power.”

“The World won't end if you take a break.” replied von Zinzer, with feeling.

As he shepherded a reluctant Agatha over to the bunkhouse von Zinzer could tell that the minions were reaching the maudlin stage. There would be another hard day tomorrow packing away all the equipment, making sure everything was in order and preparing to return to Mechanicsburg. When they started singing the sad songs it was time to get everyone bedded down and asleep. Squinaldo would already be crying into his stein and Professor Messalama always had trouble co-ordinating all his legs after the third beer. The haunting strains of the famous Mechanicsburg Minions' Anthem echoed across the farmyard.

_"With our blood, sweat, and tears_  
_And the grinding of gears_  
_We shall slave to keep our beautiful city alive!_ ”

_"Yes, with blood, sweat, and tears_  
_And the passing of years_  
_We'll expend ourselves so our Heterodyne may thrive!_ "

Von Zinzer really, really hated that song, with its implication that the Heterodyne minions were no more than tools to be used, worn out and discarded.

“You know, I really hate that song.” remarked Agatha as they reached the door.

“Why, that's good to hear.” replied von Zinzer, with pleasure.

“Oh yes. I trust that there are no grinding gears in Mechanicsburg, at least not while I am the Heterodyne. I don’t like the implication of shoddy workmanship.”

Von Zinzer rolled his eyes. “Ah, of course.”

\----------------*

That night von Zinzer had difficulty sleeping, troubled by thoughts of the machine parts in the Cataclysm Engine box. But Agatha was right, they were just perfectly ordinary components available everywhere that were routinely used by minions every day. They would struggle to set fire to wood, let alone melt stone. But in the depths of the night came the worrying small voice. 'But these are Sparks...'.

Next morning, von Zinzer was up early, ready for another long day. He walked slowly across the Courtyard, idly watching a group of boys playing football; refugees from the devastated farms enjoying the excitement of travel and time away from home now that their safety was assured. The box of components still worried him. Once she was safely back in Mechanicsburg, Agatha could be distracted from the cause of the Cataclysm and forget this puzzle but how...

His thoughts were interrupted by a sudden blow on the side of his head from a soft object, not enough to be painful (at least by minion standards) but certainly enough to attract his attention. The projectile fell to his feet. Looking down he saw the football, kicked by a defender more worried about the 'away' part of his clearance than the 'to'. The footballers looked at him in worried silence, unsure just exactly how much trouble they could be in for hitting Lady Heterodyne's chief minion. Moloch grinned at pleasant memories of his own childhood, playing football on the farm with his brothers. He picked up the ball to kick it back and then froze as he noticed the details of its structure. The players watched in increasing concern as he began turning the ball round and round in his hands, apparently counting under his breath and then muttering “oh, no, no, gear grit, no!” Suddenly he gave a loud whimper, dropped the ball as though it was a poisonous spider and raced back the way he had come. The players looked at each other and slowly walked towards the ball. They stood around it in a circle, watching it closely, ready to run if it suddenly did anything dangerous. After a few minutes, when nothing had happened, the bravest poked it with a long stick.

\-------------*

That evening the last of the Heterodyne relief effort was finally ready to depart. The pinnace to take Agatha back to the main airship for the overnight flight home to Mechanicsburg was manoeuvring to land against a stiff breeze. Mittlelmind and Agatha were going through the final check lists to make sure that nothing and no-one had been left behind when they were joined by von Zinzer, looking haggard and exhausted. Agatha was always pleased by his work ethic. He gave her a forced happy smile.

“I..er, I've found out some more about the ..er.. Cataclysm Engine.” he said, forcing his voice to stay calm and level. Mittelmind was impressed. Moloch was definitely getting better at controlling his fear around the Mistress. “Look I've found some more documents about it, see?” He waved a pile of papers at her. “Here, this is the inventory. There were twenty boxes of components altogether that made up the complete Engine. The box you had was just number 17, see? Probably just the auxiliary power supplies for the control panels or something. Just standard components to power the unimportant bits.” Mittelmind suppressed a smile at the obvious forced eagerness.

Agatha's face flushed with enthusiasm. “Why that's wonderful von Zinzer! Well done! What was in the other boxes?”

“Er... it doesn't say.”

Agatha's face fell. Von Zinzer pressed on desperately.

“See, it's just a list of the boxes.” I think that maybe they built the Cataclysm Engine up from the rest of the components, but because the injectors weren't working properly and because they are such common parts they already had them to hand in the lab and so they never bothered with this box at all.”

“How disappointing, Still, you must admit this information does offer fascinating possibilities. Just think what we can do with all that power! Why, if we can make this into a weapon no-one would dare attack us ever again! I really must try and reproduce what they did here.”

'Don't look too hard, don't look too hard' pleaded the voice in the back of von Zinzer's head, terrified that if Agatha looked closely she would see that the entire list was a carefully constructed forgery that he had spent the entire day creating while still finding time to direct the departure. Maybe, just maybe, he was going to pull this off. It was too late to back out now. His only chance was to press on.

“Well, I dunno. Look at the size and weight of some of these boxes. Even if you managed to assemble it, it's not exactly something you can carry around in your pocket is it? You'd need a giant dirigible just to carry it.”

“Yes, I see what you mean, What a shame. Doesn't look like a very practical weapon does it? But you know, I'm sure I could build a giant airship just to deliver the weapon, from high altitude obviously, yes... I can see it – a giant flying weapons bay.”

Her eyes unfocussed, looking beyond the farmyard to enormous weapons of mass destruction that filled the sky. Von Zinzer took her elbow and gently guided her towards the pinnace as it made a perfect landing.

“Yes, yes, that's an excellent idea. Designing the airship to carry the engine would be a really good idea. No point in a Cataclysm Engine that you don't have a delivery system for is there?”

'Yes', he prayed silently, 'we might just all live through this yet. If I can solve this problem then so will she unless I can keep her distracted. Once she's back in Mechanisburg there'll be plenty of other problems to keep her occupied. I just need to keep her using the wrong spanner until she gets home; thinking about the list of large and heavy parts; thinking about the giant dirigible she needs to carry the enormous and entirely fictitious Cataclysm Engine. Just not realising how anyone, even a minion, can build a weapon of unparalleled destructive power by putting together 20 hexagons and 12 pentagons, not as a flat surface, but as a sphere like a football with 60 injectors inside it, one at each vertex of the plates; simple readily available components; detuned injectors that produce heat that is reflected into the sphere but has nowhere else to go; heat that would slowly build up and build up inside until it was twice the temperature of the sun and could burst out of its containment and...”

He became aware that Agatha was speaking to him.

“Von Zinzer? Are you quite well? I thought you were about to faint there for a moment. I think you have been overworking again. Look, hold still, I'm sure I have some of that tonic I made up for the Jägerkin here somewhere...”

The enormous syringe Agatha had produced from her medical bag brought von Zinzer back to reality with a start. “No, no. I'm fine really.” he squeaked frantically. “I was just thinking about that strategic heavy dirigible. Do you think a bigger version of one of Wulfenbach's falling machines might be more suitable?

The distraction worked. Agatha's mind was immediately directed back to the question of giant flying machines.

“Now there is an idea, although of course power and lift only increase as the square while weight increases as the cube so we would need more and bigger propulsion systems and...” her voice trailed off as visions of bigger and ever more powerful engines of war filled her mind.

As she climbed aboard the pinnace, Agatha was already Heterodyning, a low atonal humming, as her mind ramped up to full power. The door closed and the ship rose gracefully into the air. Von Zinzer turned his back on the departing dirigible and sat down before his knees gave way. By a great force of will, he managed to prevent himself whimpering with relief.

“What a woman.” enthused Mittelmind, gazing after the departing airship in awe. “Give me ten Sparks like Agatha Heterodyne and I could destroy the world!”

“Really?” replied von Zinzer, “I think we might manage it with just the one.”

============================================

**Author's Note:**

> _The songs 'The Spark's Daughter' and 'The Mechanicsburg Minions' Anthem' were both collected by Captain John Sprocket and his crew during their rather alarming visit to Agatha's dimension in their flying time machine. On his return to saner dimensions, Sprocket added both songs to his repertoire in slightly modified form. You can hear the results as 'The Inventor's Daughter' and 'Blood, Sweat and Tears' by following these links._   
>  [The Inventor's Daughter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgzQCv17GZE)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> [ Blood Sweat and Tears](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_uYQYD26fSQ)
> 
>   _You can support the Captain and his Crew in their continuing adventures by buying their music from iTunes. Tell them Sturzkampf sent you._
> 
> _The term 'football' in this monograph denotes the Europan version, played with a round ball that is, for the most part, kicked around the pitch. The author is aware that 'football' is also played in the Americas, but while this version is an entertaining, skilful and exciting game, the ellipsoidal ball is, in fact, thrown around the pitch from hand to hand and is hardly ever kicked, so why it should be called 'football' remains a mystery._


End file.
